Pancreas instantly fails when conference go-er takes a bite of a dessert doughnut.

Sources say attendee makes healthy choices in life, but thought that since the doughnuts were supplied by a for-profit device company they were safe. Further investigation into actual carb count of said doughnut is to be completed by the end of the week.

“Local Fundraiser Criticized for Food Choices”

The local girl scout troop was criticized for food choices offered at a fundraiser for the Lollsville, IN chapter of a diabetes non-profit. An anonymous attendee added “Can you believe they offered thick-cut applewood bacon on our bacon-wrapped sirloin? Don’t they know turkey bacon is a healthier choice? I can’t support a group that so blatantly ignores the nutrition labels!”

When reached for comment, the girl scout’s sponsor stated “We figured cookies would send the wrong image, so we went with bacon-wrapped steak. Next time we’ll just have cardboard cut-outs of food: cheaper and no nutritional harm to anyone.”

Four diabetes-focused companies allegedly in bidding war for S. Jersey office space

Four companies with a large diabetes focus are rumored to be competing to relocate their New Jersey headquarters to a Burlington County facility just outside of Philadelphia. Two of the companies currently call Bridgewater their home, while a third is based in Franklin Lakes and a fourth in Princeton.

"Setting up shop in the town of Cinnaminson will demonstrate our commitment to reversing the effects of diabetes,” stated one company executive on the condition of anonymity.

The mayor couldn’t be more pleased. “We have supernatural powers at work within our community that will bring a clear advantage to the company that lands here. Nobody understands diabetes better than people in Cinnaminson,” the mayor stated. “More importantly, a corporate resident will help reduce property taxes.”

The town’s population is among the lowest number of people affected by diabetes. Unconfirmed reports show that four Type-1’s and one Type-2 were miraculously cured after dining at the town’s own Jug Handle Inn off of Route 73.

One town councilman, however, was not so enthusiastic. “We cannot allow our town to be overcome by traffic jams only to benefit a few lazy people who ate too much candy as kids.” That individual was promptly punched in the face.

Report: Tumblr analytics report traffic surge to “DisappointedCosby.gif” after NY Post op-ed.

Report: Tumblr analytics report traffic surge to “DisappointedCosby.gif” after NY Post op-ed.

Report: Chicago Convenience Stores Reporting Supply Shortages

Local convenience stores are reporting shortages of Diet Coke in the downtown Chicago area in anticipation of the American Diabetes Association’s 73rd Scientific Sessions. “We still have plenty of Diet Pepsi” said Barry Sugarman, 7-11 store manager, “but no one in their right mind would drink that stuff. We hope to restock in full by the weekend before any potential riots begin.”

“Following Yahoo!’s $1.1B acquision of Tumblr, unnamed investor seeks to acquire diabetes. Expected to shut down operation in 5 to 10 years.”

Diabetes wagers ruled games of chance

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that wagers on blood sugar readings are games of chance, not of skill, a potential blow to the wagers in states where games of chance — such as lotto and slot machines — are illegal.

"I’ve had diabetes since I was a kid," Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in her majority opinion. "Anyone who says they actually know what their blood sugar is from one minute to the next is lying — or wearing a CGM. You might as well be choosing Pick 3 numbers."

“Report: Businesses reporting significant requests for time off for Diabetes Blog Week

George Johnson, diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 9 added, “Between writing my own posts and reading the hundreds of contributions from the Diabetes Online Community, how could I possibly focus on my job?”

// Be sure to sign up for the Fourth Annual Diabetes Blog Week and join the fun!

“Report: Despite relaxing weekend, Diabetes persists on Monday.”

A spokesperson for the disease released a statement this morning saying, in part, “you may have slept in, enjoyed the sun, took a walk through the park, maybe even had an extra scoop of ice cream for dessert. But Diabetes will always be there. Always.”

When asked for a comment, a local person with diabetes proceeded to test her blood glucose with her middle finger. The metaphor was not lost by this reporter.

“Report: Lilly Diabetes Summit Attendees Receive Free Insulin Based On #LDSummit13 Hashtag Use.”

All gifts were, of course, properly disclosed on blog posts following the Summit.

(We like to kid, but be sure to follow #LDSummit13 on Twitter for the latest during, and after the Summit. Looks like a lot of interesting conversations are happening.)